Monday, June 27, 2005

Goody Two Shoes

I got my first (and so far only) lap dance almost 2 years ago. It was bought for me by Linda Perry, the woman from 4 Non Blondes who writes and produces for everyone these days... Pink's "Get The Party Started," Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful..."

Anyway, I was potentially going to work for her. A mutual friend thought I'd be kickass for the job, as I'm responsible, quick, very music savvy and very easy to get along with. And I looked just like her ex girlfriend. Kidding, kidding! That wasn't actually a plus.

I'd met her once or twice over the years as we'd both been in the Bay Area for a long time as well as in Los Angeles. We knew some people in common, so it wasn't terribly farfetched. I remember my friend Greg (also a musician/songwriter) said to me, "Mo, if you start working for Linda Perry, I will never be able to speak to you again." "What? You're lying." "No, Mo, I would never lie about that."

My "interview" with her consisted of me, her and our friend hanging around the studio, doing shots and drinking beer and telling stories. Pretty cool, huh? She was a very intense person, but fun to hang around. Then she decided it was time to go to the titty bars. I wish I could remember which one she liked, because they had hot chicks in there, but all I remember was that it was in the Valley along with a million other titty bars.

Once inside, we all sat at the stage and kept drinking. I was the only straight girl in the place, which was filled with men and my two lesbian companions. I was watching this one girl in the schoolgirl outfit with little pigtails do her thing, when Linda started grabbing my knee. "Mo, let me buy you a lapdance." "Really? I don't know what to do." "Oh, you will, you will. You like her?" She pointed at the schoolgirl. "Yea, I guess." "Okay, I'll get her for you." And she did.

The schoolgirl led me to a small back area, with a doorframe but no door, and three stalls with stools in them. I sat in one and she began writhing on top of me. I said, "I really don't know what I'm supposed to do." She goes," Oh, don't worry, I love giving lap dances to girls. It's much easier." "Really? Do guys ask for certain things?" "Not really, but they talk dirty to you and expect you to do it back, or they start grabbing at you without realizing it and you have to push them away without making them feel embarrassed. You have to pay a lot more attention." "Wow," I said, "I hadn't really thought of that." We talked a bit more and my dance was over.

I went back to our table and Linda was glaring at me, shaking her head sternly. "Thanks, that was cool, " I said. She sighed loudly. "You don't TALK to your lapdancer!" she said. "Man, you are sooooo straight!" Then she bought a lapdance for my friend, and one for herself, and we went on home. On the way, she asked me about how to handle the ex girlfriend, because not only did I look like her, but I acted like her too (except for that whole straight thing, I'd hope). She also decided to give the job to her niece.

About a week later, Greg called. "Mo, are you working for Linda Perry?" "No, I was too straight. She did buy me a lap dance, though." "Oh, good, because I wanted to talk to you. Can you swing by? You can tell me all about that lap dance..."