...by Tim Carvell...
To: Paul McCartney
From: The N.F.L.
Re: Super Bowl halftime show
THANK you for coming by this morning; my wife was very impressed to hear that I got to meet a former Beatle, especially one who isn't Ringo. She wanted me to ask if you remember her. She saw you at the Milwaukee Arena in 1964. She says she screamed "Paul!" throughout your show, and that you looked over and winked at her. She was wearing a red hat. Anyway, if you do remember her: She says hi.
Moving on. We've reviewed your set list and dance routine, and we have just a few notes:
We like the simple shirt and slacks that you have chosen as your outfit. However, to prevent even the slightest possibility of a "wardrobe malfunction," we were wondering if you could maybe wear something extra over your outfit? Or maybe under it? Like an extra pair of underpants over your usual underpants? Or maybe a sweater, and a second pair of pants over your original pair of pants? Nothing too noticeable - just a little insurance. I'm sure you understand.
"Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da": Is there something you can say after "life goes on" that's not "bra"? The word still makes us a little nervous around here. Thanks.
"Blackbird": "Take these broken wings and learn to fly"? It's a lovely image, Paul, but: Children are going to be watching this. No parent wants to have to explain injured birds to their children, especially not on Super Sunday. Can you sing around it so the bird's wings aren't broken? Maybe the bird could take its "bucket o' wings" and learn to fly? KFC may pay for the product placement. Just a thought.
"I Saw Her Standing There": "Well, she was just 17, you know what I mean"? I am fairly certain that I do not know what you mean, but I do know that she'd better be at least 18. Make that 21. Or 25. She was just 25. That works fine.
Sorry to circle back to this, but we've been thinking more about your outfit. Maybe you could wear both the extra underpants and the sweater and extra pants? You know, just to be safe? Also: Some of us are a bit worried about the hip motions while you're dancing. They seem a tad suggestive. Could you maybe dance without moving your hips? Or your feet? You may, of course, continue to use your arms.
"A Hard Day's Night": We're a bit concerned about the line about how, when "I get home to you, I'll find the things that you do, will make me feel all right." That is upsettingly vague, like the things that she does might be rated, you know, more than PG. Maybe you could sub in something more specific and G-rated, like: "But when I get home to you, I find the board games we play will make me feel all right." It's the same general idea, I think you'll find.
"A Day in the Life": "He blew his mind out in his car"? No, Paul. No, he didn't.
"Get Back": So let's see: Our hero, Jojo, "left his home in Tucson, Arizona, for some California grass," and our heroine, Loretta Martin, "thought she was a woman, but she was another man." And here I thought Ringo was the funny one! You really had us going for a minute there! (Um, if you weren't joking: No.)
Just got back from a meeting with wardrobe, and they want me to ask: How would you feel about a suit of armor? As I understand it, you've been knighted, so you probably have one lying around, yes? If not, we can provide one for you. Just ask!
Well, that's all we've got for now. If anything else comes to us, we'll let you know. Can't wait for the big show! Rock 'n' roll!
(Tim Carvell is a writer for "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.")