Lust For Life

Alright, the first thing you should know is that I'm absolutely, positively OBSESSED with the film "Trainspotting." The second thing is that I’ve told this story before, but that was over a year ago. So now I'll begin my tale.

My evening began at at little cafe/pub called Hotel, a place where I booked musicians from time to time here in Hollywood. Tonight a friend named Luther was playing (one of those Country guys I've somehow become mixed up with since my arrival here) and he had some guest performers. One of these performers was a magician named Mike, who wowed me with a slight of hand involving fifty cent pieces from 1964. (You should also know that I happen to be a coin dork - so the fact that he had fifty cent pieces from 1964 was enough to wow me.) My reaction to the magic was such that I was called upon to be an assistant during the magic show itself. This involved me standing on stage and doing a little Vanna White action with an envelope. Alas, I'd hoped to be sawed in half. Sigh.

After the magic, Luther's friend Jason Falkner came in and did a little set. I'd been introduced to Jason a couple times, and love his music, but I never expect him to remember me. Now he’s my Friendster. Anyway, I had to leave because a friend of mine was having what he called a "mellow" birthday party - which implied lots of pot. Just before I left, my friend Iiad said to me, "Are you going to the party?" "What party?" "At Christina Ricci's?" "Well, if you tell me where it is, then I'll go." Not having any paper on me, I wrote the address and directions along the length of my left arm.

Rachael and I went to our friend's house, where an intensely mellow party was happening. Mellow music, mellow drinks, and discussions of what mellow meant to each of us (which was actually quite amusing, but not the point of this story). Just before 1am, when the line between mellow and tired had definitely blurred for my friends fortunate enough to be employed (I was jobless at the time), Rachael & I left. "Are you really going to go to that party?" Rachael asked. "Yes!" "Wow, you have balls!" I think this implied that I was, essentially, crashing Christina Ricci’s party. "Well, I figure I'll look for someone I know, and if I don't know anyone, I'll leave."

So up into the Hollywood hills I drove. It was sort of like going to a party in high school... I drove along, and as I got closer, I started listening for the party sounds. Then I saw Iiad's car, so I parked and started walking up the street towards the noise. I was stopped by a couple cars: "Hey, do you know where the party is?" Always guys asking. I told them - I figured, hell, I don't know anyone there. Why not tell anybody? It's a Hollywood party, after all.

I found the house, and there were two guys sort of passed out on the sidewalk out front. I know them. It's a guy named Loomis (who is part of the "Jackass" crew if any of you watch that crap) and Jerry. Jerry was slowly melting into the lawn, telling me that I have really cool hair. Then he fell onto someone's BMW, and the alarm went off. Loomis said to me, "Do you think a cab would pick us up here?" And I said, “Yes...” because I knew we were minutes from a major street and it was only about 1am, and the boys probably could have walked to the Mayfair a few blocks away had they not been so fucked up. Oh, wait, Hollywood party.

I walked into this beautiful 1930's Spanish house, built into the hill. As the evening progressed, I found that it had 4 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, 2 living rooms, a dining room, a library, an indoor theatre (seating about 80 - authentic deco decor), lots of spiral staircases, huge kitchen, converted basement, pool, jacuzzi, treehouse the size of the master bedroom, and an outdoor kitchen with firepit. Oh, and a sauna/steamroom that had nonstop orgy action pretty much all night. I only know this because it was adjoining a bathroom which people had to use, and well, folks weren't being discreet. And you know there were naked people in the pool and jacuzzi too.

I found my friends in the backyard, and Iiad is lusting after this sort of mod girl, so we are trying to figure out how to introduce them. Then Jason Falkner shows up with a bunch of people, and we start talking. Then someone comes down the stairs, announcing that naked dancing is going on upstairs in one of the living rooms. For some reason, I burst out in a fake British accent, "Tits and bums upstairs! Let's all go look!" Jason brought a couple Scots, who latched onto me and wanted to go upstairs for a look.

The Scots are Dougie & Kelly. Except at first I think she's said "Kerry," then I think "Kewry" or something warped like that. Only about the eightieth time to I realize she's said "Kelly." We go upstairs to find the naked people, only to discover that it was just these 4 Asian girls who were walking around in outfits so lacking that we'd seen most of it anyway. We felt jipped, so we headed to the bar, and started on the 7&7s.

Somehow, Kelly became my companion for the night. We talked about strip clubs (rather, my education in Tijuana nudie bars), liquor tolerance, modern art and literature, blowjobs, traveling and more that I can't remember because of the drunken haze... But at some point in the evening, I realized that I was not just talking to Kelly – but to Kelly Macdonald, aka Diane from "Trainspotting." (She's also been in "Elizabeth" and "Gosford Park" and currently "Intermission" with Colin Farrell.) I figured it was just best not to say anything; I didn't want to make her feel weird by letting her know that her voice had been on my answering machine at one point... "What's the matter, boy? Cat got your tongue?" Or tell her that I'd seen that movie so many times that I couldn't even count it anymore...

Later, we had somehow gathered in a gazebo (Jason, Kelly, Dougie & myself) and were having a conversation about very long road trips with cross generational passengers, and what to do during them. Kelly said that her family was very into singing in the car, but her last trip across the island consisted of her, a good friend, a younger cousin, an older aunt, and a grandmother. What on earth could they all sing? Turns out the song everyone knew was “Raspberry Beret” by Prince. Who'd a thunk it? So, of course, we all sang the song under the light of the firedancers in the gazebo.

This silliness went on till about 5am, when the liquor ran out and everyone started to head home. A bunch of us were standing around talking when Iiad said, "Oh, you're Scottish! I had such a crush on (insert Scottish actress here) when I was in high school. Oh, and the girl from Trainspotting." We all started laughing, and Jason said, "Oh, but she was really Irish, wasn't she?" Then Kelly (Diane) said, "I've met her! She doesn't look so good in real life!" Iiad looked confused and said, "Oh, I really thought she was Scottish." Then Kelly goes, "Oi! It's shite being Scottish!!" We were laughing when Iiad pulled me aside and goes, "Maybe I'm really drunk, but what's so funny?" I realized he was serious. "Well, Kelly IS that girl from Trainspotting." To which Iiad was horribly embarrassed, but Kelly just laughed and we all went on our way for the night.

Oh, and I only saw Christina Ricci once. She had a big head and a little body. Sorta freakish. And it wasn't even really her house.

(PS: Click here for more Trainspotting fun. I'm addicted. Ha.)

(PPS: LA residents should check Jason Falkner out at the Troubador on Thursday April 8th!)