The Sound of Settling

Our youth is fleeting, old age is just around the bend and I can't wait to go gray
And I'll sit and wonder of every love that could have been
If I'd only thought of something charming to say

This is the sound of settling… (Death Cab For Cutie)

I have this wonderful, dear friend who has seen me through some rough times in the last couple of years. He owns a very successful business, has a beautiful home, is kind and generous, has a great sense of style, is polite and funny and has amazing taste in music. And he’s single, quite the eligible bachelor, in fact.

My friends can’t believe I don’t want to go out with him. Well, there is no “zing” or “oomph” or whatever you’d like to call it. We are very good friends and I value that deeply. If it was going to be something else, and I felt like that something else would be worth risking the friendship for, then I’d go for it. Believe you me. But it’s not, and I don’t.

I have had some concerned pals tell me I shouldn’t count him out. Why? Because he’s a great catch. Because he could take care of me. Because it would be smart of me to hook him and be provided for.

Okay, my response to that is: Ewwwwwww…

I could never do such a thing. Call me a hopeless romantic (yet determined to stay single – we’ll let the shrink figure that one out), but if I don’t feel like I’ve been hit upside the head when I meet someone, then the chances are slim that I’m going to want to become romantically entangled with them. The passion, the chemistry…that stuff is important to me. I can pay my own bills, change my own tires, and fertilize my own garden. Sure, it’s great to have someone help you with these things, but I’m not going to sacrifice my independence to settle down with someone who I think would just be “okay.”

And then there’s the whole aspect of “landing a man.” It just sounds so, I don’t know, conniving? That’s probably too strong a word, but getting a guy to propose to you so that you can have your kids and house and white picket fence just sounds icky to me. I know women who have done it, though, or are trying to do it now. They just want to be taken care of.

I have a friend who actually said to me (and I’m paraphrasing here): “I can’t believe that I am actually ready to settle down. I feel like it’s time to get married and I want to have kids, and I might as well do it with (name deleted to spare the innocent).” Oh yes, that signifies a great love to me.

But I believe that a lot of people fall into that trap, especially as we get creak on up towards our forties… pressured by society to pair up, pressured by our bodies to have kids. People meet someone, and decide that they are a good candidate – that a life with this person will be comfortable and stable and secure. Good genes, good kids, good income; whatever the motivating force may be. If that is what they truly want more than anything else in this world, then by all means, go for it.

I guess I want more. I once said to a boyfriend (who is now an “ex” but still a huge part of my life): “You know me, I just want want want.” He has quoted this back to me over the years when I give him an example of it. It’s true. I don’t want to be bored, and I don’t want to settle for something that will ultimately leave me unsatisfied. Cuz I’d lose my mind. Therefore, I’ve come to the conclusion that I would rather be single than settle, and I’m happy with that. I get along with myself, and the single life has treated me pretty well. I’m not adverse to the idea that if I meet someone who happens to be great, we can’t hook up; I’m just saying that I don’t have to just to feel that I’m “provided” for.

This is not the sound of settling, it’s the sound of living. Go for it.