Wednesday, May 16, 2007


I hate Fergie.

I was never really a fan of the Black Eyed Peas, but I also didn't hate them. I really didn't care one way or another. They were just another Top 40 band that didn't need my help and so I didn't think about them.

But in August of 2005, Fergie peed.

At the San Diego Street Scene, an event that actually used to take place in the street, the Black Eyed Peas were one of the headlining acts. Not only did they hit the stage an hour late, causing the real headliners - The White Stripes - to go on way after scheduled, they were bombed. So bombed that at one point Fergie wandered into a corner and pissed her pants. Then kept performing, piss stain and all.

After the fact, their publicists tried to say it was sweat. Vag sweat? Ass sweat? If that was true, that might actually be more nasty than pissing yourself. Maybe. Then Fergie tried saying that since the band was late, those mean ole concert promoters wouldn't let her even use the ladies room before she hit the stage. So instead, she hit the stage. And pissed on it. Well, that showed them!

At that moment, I realized: I hate Fergie.

Well, she's disgusting pig. A double bagger, as a friend put it. A decent rack and good abs doesn't make up for it. She's known for her "lady lumps?" Is it me, or is that term incredibly non-sexy?

Here are the facts: she can't sing, she doesn't create her own music, she's hideous, and she pisses in public.

Now hand over your babysitting money!

I look forward to the day she goes away. In the meantime, maybe I'll just indulge in that scene in Poisedon where she gets killed by the ocean, finally smashing though the windows of the upturned luxury liner. As my friend Kevs put it, "Any movie that kills Fergie can't be all bad."