Sunday, April 03, 2005

Pass the Dutchie

Have you ever watched "Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law?" It's a hilarious cartoon where Harvey Birdman, a former superhero, has turned in his cape for a briefcase and represents other Hanna-Barbera characters in their time of need. Since I am a bit of a "Law & Order" junkie, how could I resist this courtroom drama? Is Fred Flintstone really a mob godfather? Will Race Bannon or Dr. Quest get custody of young Johnny and Hadji? Does Grape Ape use steroids? And what the hell do Shaggy & Scooby have in that van?

Anyway, I didn't write the following, but came across it recently and it seemed appropriate.

Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects:

10. Gargamel-- Most likely on LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oil --Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny? She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.

8. Snagglepuss --Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. He-Man --This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo --We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.

4. Droopy --The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

3. Dopey Dwarf --He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement, but they are under investigation. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck --If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness," but Haladol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky, though.

1. Shaggy --By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, and the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!