It's A Little Bit Funny...

(Thanks to my fuzzy friend for passing this one along... Yes, it really is written by Mr. Martin!)

STEVE MARTIN'S STUDIO SCRIPT NOTES ON "THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST"

Dear Mel:

We love, LOVE the script! The ending works great.
You'll be getting a call from us to start negotiations
for the book rights.

Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can't seem to
catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One
thing, I think we need to clearly state "the rules."
Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself?
The creative people suggest that you could simply cut
away to two spectators: Spectator one 'Why doesn't he
use his super powers to save himself?' Spectator two
'He can only use his powers to help others, never
himself.'

Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say
and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just
thinking out loud.

Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in
and out in certain scenes like the last supper bit:
Monday, 12:43pm." or later, "Good Friday, 5:14pm."

Love the repetition of "is it I?" Could be very funny.
On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little
look into camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot.
Also could he change water into wine in last supper
scene? Would be a great moment, and it's legit.
History compression is a movie tradition and could
really brighten up the scene.

Love the flaying.

Could the Rabbis be Hispanic? There's lots of hot
Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the
box office. Research says there's some justification
for it. Is there somewhere where Jesus could be using
an IMac? You know, now that I hear myself say it, it
sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it.
Maybe we start a shot in heaven with Jesus
thoughtfully closing the top? (Reminder: heaven is
timeless).

The studio is very high on Johnny Depp right now. Just
saw him in "Pirates." He was hilarious. Might be right
for Jesus? Not so straightforward. He could bring a
lot of pizzazz to the role. I think a meeting would be
warranted. Love the idea of Monica Belluci as Mary
Magdalene (Yow!). Our creative people suggest a name
change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little
younger. Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our
creative people suggest that he's a little
"conflicted." Couldn't he be one thing? Just bad?
Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, 30 pieces
of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think
it's very simple to make him a "new millionaire."
Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the
audience can identify with.

Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description
of the bystanders, there should be a space between the
words "Jew" and "boy."

Merchandising issue: it seems the cross image has been
done to death and we can't own it. Could the
crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota
would be wrong, but maybe there's a shape we can
copyright, like an ellipse?

I'm assuming "the dialogue is in Aremeic," is a typo
for "American." If not call me on my cell or I'm at
home all weekend. By the way, I'm sending a group of
staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally
around the time of the release date. Would love to
invite your dad!