Valhalla

Last year, I decided to go through the alphabet musically. I just realized that I did "T" twice. Oops. And I already did "U," so I guess it's time for V. What's that mean?

Mother fuckin' Van Halen, that's what. Not Van Hagar or whoever that guy was after him, but Diamond Dave era Van Fuckin' Halen.

In my opinion, they had it all. Great songs - catchy melodies, fierce guitar... They could do some clever pop stuff and then rock with their cocks out, and you loved it all. How could you not? They were (mostly) talented musicians, with great senses of humor and huge egos, which meant awesome stage presence and memorable moments left and right. Their music was both silly and skillful, infectiously fun yet still badass.

Guys wanted to play like them, girls wanted to sleep with them, everybody had that hair.

And they had the best logo ever. How many school notebooks was this symbol scratched onto? How many tennis shoes and jeans sported the emblem? Lockers and denim jackets?

Even towards the end of Dave's era, when they were becoming too goofy, there was still an element of fun that took you along for the ride. The ultimate party train, with naked girls and booze on board.

Rock and roll, indeed. Thanks for doing it right, boys.

Somebody That I Used to Know

Straight from Sweet Adeline... Elliott Smith lives on.

New Monkey Studios opens!
It's so awesome to share this message with you. Joel Graves from Earlimart and his partner, Robert Cappadona bought Elliott’s New Monkey Studios from Elliott’s family (rumors were that Aaron Espinoza from Earlimart or members of Grandaddy bought the studio, but they were actually great supporters of Joel and Robert to buy the studio!) Anyway, over the last year, Joel and Robert have been putting a lot of work, money and love into fixing the studio. Elliott bought a lot of vintage equipment for New Monkey, so a good number of it was half working and Elliott was spending a lot of time fixing the equipment while he was recording there. Well, Joel and Robert (along with other smart recording techs and engineers) were able to continue the work Elliott had done and help bring the studio into the working condition they thought Elliott would have done in his memory.

They are happy to announce that New Monkey Studios is now open and it would be so awesome if we could help get the word out to musicians and engineers so it can help them keep the studio open forever. Here is what Joel sent me to give you so you can have more info about the studio if you or you know people who are interested in recording there. If you would like to check out their MySpace page, please go to: http://www.myspace.com/newmonkeystudio

"New Monkey Studio in Van Nuys, CA is now open for business. After a year of renovation and vintage equipment repair, we're ready to officially open the doors. The studio features an early 1970's trident a-range mixing desk (one of 13 in the world, we've had it re-capped and ultra-sonically cleaned in the last year), an mci 2" tape machine (as well as 1/2" & 1/4" two-track machines, & the 8-track 1/2" machine), a nice selection of vintage and new outboard gear (1950's stereo fairchild 670, vintage teletronix la-2a, urei 1176, ua 175, sony dre-s777, api mic pre's & eq's, and much much more), and a great selection of microphones (neumann u48, u87, a pair of coles 4038's, soundelux u95, plus all the standard utility mics). The studio consists of a good-sized control room, a live tracking room, a small lounge (with tv, fridge, coffee maker, microwave, bathroom), an isolation room, a mic locker/machine room, and a hallway that can be used as an isolation booth. There is also free wireless internet throughout the studio. Artists who have recorded in the studio include Elliott Smith, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, the Elected, Troy Von Balthazar, & Peter Walker. We're working to get a website online soon, but in the meantime you can send us an email (newmonkeystudio@gmail.com) with any booking questions. A complete list of recording equipment and instruments is available for serious inquiries. The studio was purchased from the estate of Elliott Smith in august of 2004, and we're doing everything we can to make sure that this will always be Elliott’s place."

I can tell you that Joel & Robert are extraordinary people, with loads of heart and soul to offer. So go record with 'em already!!

Just Gimme Indie Rock!

Hey all...

It's that time of year. The time when people start making up their Top Ten lists and handing out awards left and right.

Here's a ballot that you can vote on, and it's one of the more interesting ones out there. It's the PLUG awards. A whole bunch of indie types (bloggers, writers, musicians, fans, etc...) are chosen to pick out a whole bunch of nominees for a big ole ballot, and then anyone with a care in the world (and internet access) can vote. They tend to nominate interesting acts, and those doing the nominating are interesting as well. This year, the panel included kids from Pitchfork, Aaron Axelson (music director of San Francisco's Live 105), Mark Willett (Music For Robots), Christopher Weingarten (CMJ music editor), Noelle Corcoran (Waterloo Records), Dave Eggers (McSweenys etc...) comedian David Cross, and my other little brother (who took my post at KALX), the lovely Shawn Reynaldo.

Here's a sampling of the nominees:

Album Of The Year

Animal Collective - Feels (FatCat)

Antony And The Johnsons - I Am A Bird Now (Secretly Canadian)

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm (Vice)

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (Self-released)

Dangerdoom - The Mouse And The Mask (Adult Swim/Epitaph)

Devendra Banahrt - Cripple Crow (XL)

The National - Alligator (Beggars)

The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema (Matador)

Sleater-Kinney - The Woods (Sub Pop)

Spoon - Gimme Fiction (Merge)

Sufjan Stevens - Illinois (Asthmatic Kitty)

Wolf Parade - Apologies To The Queen Mary (Sub Pop)

So go here and vote already! Thank you very much.

PS: And vote for KALX and WOXY - two of the best radio stations you should have ever heard. Thanks again.

Scary Monsters

Like most people I know, I'm a bit scared of mimes. But this one sounds interesting:

An Evening with Billy The Mime, at Sacred Fools Theatre

ending Tuesday, November 22nd

Billy The Mime is a true artist who is not afraid to tackle controversial subject matter and stretch the very boundaries of the art of mime with such routines as Dreams Of A Young Crippled Boy, JFK JR. We Hardly Knew Ye, The Abortion, A Night In San Francisco: 1977, Slave!, Close To Her: Memories of Karen Carpenter, World War II, Terry Schiavo - Adieu, A Man Named Manson, A Day Called 9/11 and The Little Clown.

reviews:

"Silently Offensive" - USA Today
"Hilarious" - London Times
"Outrageously Funny! Will have you close to tears!" - Boston Herald
"The only mime I've ever laughed at." - Philadelphia Weekly

Hmmm.

(Thanks, Russ!)

On Such A Winter's Day...

"I was actually afraid to go back to California. I was afraid that all of the men would look like Robert Conrad or Richard Gere or both at once, and all the women of course would look like Farrah Fawcett, that every soul I met would talk like the zombies on TV, that my congenital hosility would be pushed so far past any line of socialized containment that I would end up murdering every living thing in my line of sight instad of coming back to New York and building a terrorist army of concerned citizens like the adult I thought I was.

As it happened, it wasn't nearly so painful as I'd imagined. In fact, it was not long before I found myself being blatantly seduced by all of the most decadent aspects of the region. It is that insidious. I had been in San Francisco a total of three days when I agreed to enter a hot tub with three other naked humans. My will, not to mention my mind, had eroded that much already..." - excerpt from "California" in Mainlines, Blood Feasts & Bad Taste, by Lester Bangs.

It was 87 degrees here in Los Angeles today. We have a short week, what with Thanksgiving coming up. The past week has been unseasonably hot, with a return of the Santa Ana winds (and the wildfires that inevitably follow) and nippy nights that remind us that winter is just around the corner. But the seasons in California are false: a tree here or there will change color, you get some rain (last year, more rain than ever) and some cold, but nothing like what most people are used to. In fact, most Thanksgivings and Christmases in California are sunny and warm affairs.

I was thinking today that it was weird for it to be so hot about this time of year, and I was reminded of a Thanksgiving two years ago which was just as boiling. I rmember because the night before I had gone to see the Twilight Singers at a practically sold out show, gotten trashed with my friends, went back to the Short Stop (Greg's bar) and continued drinking, wound up naked in a friend's hot tub, passed out for a few hours, and then woke up at 9am to stumble back to Greg's house for breakfast. I remember the walk (a few short blocks) was scorching, and the rest of that Thanksgiving Day remained that day. We all just kept drinking simply to stay refreshed.

And one Christmas not too long ago, I was in Melbourne, Australia. It was summer there, and the weather was pleasantly warm and crisp. Then it started to pour - thunderstorms which quickly flooded the area of Brunswick where I was staying. I called my parents to wish them a Merry Christmas... "Yea, it's warm here but it's raining like crazy..." "Oh?" said my mom. "It's really beautiful today. Kind of hot."

"...my heart cried out for you, California - Oh, California, I'm coming home... Oh make me feel good, rock and roll band, I'm your biggest fan, California... I'm coming home..." - Joni Mitchell

I don't think I could ever leave.

Tiny Telephone

Now, help me out here...

"LOST" GETS THE MOST DOWNLOADS ON iPODS

"Desperate Housewives" may be ABC's most popular show on the small screen, but "Lost" is the winner on the REALLY small screen.

After one month of offering downloads of ABC's two favorite shows for viewing on iPods, "Lost" has sold the most, said Stephen McPherson, ABC entertainment president. He had no sales figures, but Apple has already said it has sold more than a million copies of ABC shows.Desperate Housewives" pulled in just under 26 million viewers on TV, while "Lost" had 20 million last week, according to Nielsen Media Research.

I'm a bit backwards. I've never purchased an iPod, and one was given to me, but it's still sitting in it's box. I just don't know what I would do with it.

So who is watching TV on theirs?

I know I've become addicted to text messaging. If I'm waiting in line at the store, or I'm waiting to meet a friend somewhere, or at the airport, I scroll through saved messages. I guess I could imagine watching a video or something while passing the time. Maybe you could download some Sesame Street to pass on to a screaming kid at the supermarket to make them shut up?

But an 45 minute episode of "Lost?" On that tiny, tiny screen? My brain hurts just thinking of it. Remember how your parents used to tell you not to sit to close to the TV or you'd go blind or something? Well, watching TV on your cell phone display has GOT to be similar, don't you think?

And I'm amused by the fact that gadgety people will probably be really into watching TV on their cell phones... until they get home and switch on their giant plasma wall TV. I wonder if anyone's pupils will just explode after too many adjustments.

I just remembered, however, that in 1983, my little brother had this digital watch that you could play Space Invaders on. It was awesome. I kicked ass at the Digital Watch Space Invaders. My thumbs got sore, but it was F-U-N.

I guess I'd rather my thumbs got sore because of Space Invaders than a Blackberry, though.

Everyday is Halloween

It's a Halloween story I keep meaning to tell.

I DJ around town alot. DJing can be really fun, or can be really annoying. Often it's a combo of both. The fun part is when the crowd is into the music, people are having fun dancing and singing along and whatnot. The annoying bit (for a girl DJ like myself, anyway) is that inevitably, men come and hit on me because I'm playing the music and can't get away from them. A captive audience, in a sense. Icky. Rarely am I approached by anyone interesting, nor do I have any particular interest in meeting a potential partner at a bar. That's not really how I swing.

But I have made plenty of friends through the DJ gigs, and that's quite alright.

This past Halloween, the Burgundy Room in Hollywood was decked out like a pirate ship. There was a large ship's wheel above the bar, and the usual skeletons wore pirate hats, held telescopes, that sort of thing. Since Halloween fell on a Monday this year, and I was DJing on a Saturday, people were dressed up for about 4 solid days. I tried to do a wenchy thing to go with the boat theme: a long flowy gypsy skirt, stiped lace up top, boots, loads of jewelry, a wig of long wavy dark hair, fake eyelashes, etc.

During the evening, I noticed that Hunter S. Thompson was sitting at the booth to my right. The guy had on long shorts, a print short sleeved shirt, the cigarette holder, sunglasses and hat. It was great. I hadn't see that yet. He noticed me noticing him, gave me a nod, and I gave him a thumbs up.

Later, Hunter approached the bar for a drink, and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and found that I was at least a foot taller than the guy! (And I ain't that tall.) He offered to buy me a drink, and complimented the music. Then he asked me if I ever made to Orange Country, and if I did, I should look him up. "My name's Marco," he shouted. "You can find me at Sharky's. I manage it." "Oooh, sounds good!" I said.

Sharky's is a fast food Mexican food chain.

Anyway, it was much nicer when he was in character, although what he didn't have in stature he seemed to make up for in attitude. Very gonzo.

La La Land

When you wander around Hollywood, you see lots of freaky things. It's trashy. Sure, there are parts of town that are kind of cleaned up and clubby and stuff, but - like the movies - that's often just a facade.

One of the things about Hollywood that I find incredibly lame and do not understand at all are The Characters. And by this, I mean the people dressed up as celebrities or superheroes or Muppets and shit like that. I mean, it's one thing if you go to Disneyland and pose for pictures with Mickey Mouse or Goofy or Snow White or something. Disney employs some serious quality control. On Hollywood Boulevard, you just have random crazies who pick up a Spiderman costume from Target and start cruising for opportunities. Well, I guess alot of would be superstars start out in a similar way.

Anyhoo-

The majority of The Characters hanging around the Hollywood & Highland shopping complex, and mainly congregated outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre since all the tourists go there to compare their handsize with John Wayne's or someone, are pretty skanky. Their costumes are ill-fitting, the make up bad, and the impersonators don't do a great job impersonating. The other night as I was walking by with a friend, we noticed a Mexican Elvis shaking hands with a family for who he had just posed for a picture. "Yea, thanks alot, " he was saying. My friend turned to me and goes, "Oh, come on now. That's just wrong. I mean, how much effort does it take to say a little 'thankyouverymuch?' Stay in character,man!"

Absolutely. I have more respect for the skinny Spiderman doing various poses silently on the steps of the El Capitan movie theatre than that particular Elvis.

Some of these Characters are up to no good, though. I once had the shit scared out of me by a particularly good Pinhead, and in front of my relatives no less. A Charlie Chaplin type leered at me so obviously that my mother went up to him and said: "Stop looking at her like that! You're disgusting!" (Imagine that with a heavy Spanish accent and you'll understand how effective it was.)

Recently, there have been a spate of altercations and cons on Hollywood Boulevard. Not so unusual, really, except that it all seems to be happening amongst the Characters. They fight over turf, tips, costumes and attention. Like most actors. There have even been reports of them teaming up to steal wallets.

Most of the tourists don't mind them, though. The other day, I saw two little kids calling "Batman! Batman!" excitedly as the caped crusader cruised by. He didn't stop though; guess he was on a beer break.

Purr Purr Purr

It's time for some more Kitty Porn.

First off, Cats In Sinks. Obscenely cute pictures of cats. In sinks.

Second, from the braniacs at Bad Cat, it's... My Cat Hates You. (And, trust me, my cat certainly DOES hate you.)

And, finally (because my cat Tristan is featured in the "nature" section), Stuff On Cats.

My cat, Tristan, likes to drive around with me in my car. He loves it. When he was a kitten, he'd sit in the back and people on bicycles would tap on the glass and he'd play. Anyway, here's a little story about a cat that really went on a trip...

BON VOYAGE... WISCONSIN CAT SAILS TO FRANCE

APPLETON, Wis. - When Emily the cat went missing a month ago, her owners looked for their wandering pet where she had ended up before — the local animal shelter. This week they learned Emily sailed to France.

Lesley McElhiney now figures her cat went prowling around a paper warehouse near home and ended up in a cargo container that went by ship across the Atlantic Ocean and was trucked to Nancy, a city in northeastern France near the border with Germany.

Employees at a French lamination company found her in the container, checked her tags and called Emily's veterinarian, John Palarski, in Kimberly, just east of Appleton.

Palarski called the McElhineys Monday to tell them their pet was safe, if a little hungry.
"It probably had access to food and water," Palarski said. "I doubt if it went three weeks without it. There must have been a lot of mice on the boat. Even if it was in the cargo department, you would assume there was water down there. She had to have something."

Palarski faxed French authorities with the cat's vaccination records to help remove her from quarantine, but the family is wondering how they will retrieve the pet.

Emily will need a health certificate from France to return home, and she will have to go through quarantine again on entering the United States, Palarski said.

The friend of a co-worker is going to Germany next week, but that's a country away.

"The only thing we can think right now is buying a plane ticket," McElhiney said. "She already cost us some the first time we got her from the humane society. She's getting to be an expensive little thing."

I Wanna Boogie With You

Now you know where to find me:

Lady Mo & Rachael will be spinnin' the tunes at this lovely downtown dive Thursday night, November 3rd - We'll be rockin the soul, new wave, funk, electro, hip hop, and anything else you can shake your ass at!

When:
Thursday Nov 03, 2005
at 10:00 PM

Where:
Bar 107
107 West 4th Street
Los Angeles, CA 90013


The place has a beautiful bar, glorious decor (of animal heads and Mexican wrestling masks) and a dance floor even! If you haven't been to this space yet, check it out (http://bar107.com/). It's a classic old LA bar (open since 1913) with fabulously rowdy new owners who want to meet YOU.

Bar 107 is downtown on 4th Street between Spring and Main.

If you're a DJ or have a band and you're looking for a place to play, check them out, as they are looking for you too.

And check us out this Thursday for the first night of our November residency... we just wanna have fun, that's all. Goody goody, and a shot of tequila on top!

Where No Man has Gone...

Oh wait, they've gone there. FOR SURE.

"STAR TREK" ACTOR GEORGE TAKEI COMES OUT

LOS ANGELES -
George Takei, who as helmsman Sulu steered the Starship Enterprise through three television seasons and six movies, has come out as a homosexual in the current issue of Frontiers, a biweekly Los Angeles magazine covering the gay and lesbian community.

From what I understand, Frontiers is the kind of magazine that does not tackle space exploration or sci-fi issues, but engages in debates regarding the differences between metal or rubber cockrings.

Go George!

Happy Halloween!

Slither

You know that Cobrasnake dude? He's this kid who has made a name for himself crashing hipster parties, and then taking candid photos of said hipsters while they are fucked up. He'll write some cute little captions on the pictures and stuff. He started his own little website, and got all hip himself, and now he has a regular column in the LA Weekly and just had a piece written on him in the LA Times.

We had a party once that got crashed by a bunch of Vice Magazine people. They trashed our apartment, and the Cobrasnake was here. He took pictues of a lot of people, but my roommate and I weren't cool enough to make the cut, it seems. We only cool enough to have our belongings tossed out the window and our building pissed on.

Can you tell I'm still bitter? These people were just so... disresepctful. They didn't even bring beer. They were like locusts. Locusts that pee on your stuff.

Anyway, a friend of mine has been proposing that we make a spoof of the Cobrasnake page. Slam the hipsters. Fight snark with snark. And another friend of mine got mad enough after reading the LA Times piece to hop onto MySpace and rant. I love funny ranting:


Oct 27, 2005 9:28 PM
a poignant quote from the fucking Cobrasnake guy

did anybody read that ridiculous (front page!) article about the Cobrasnake guy in the LA Times? for all who didn't, you may now drink from the wine that is his philosophy of modern life, and be filled with inspiration:

"That's what so exciting about the time we're in right now. There's so much space for creativity. Our parents' generation had to deal with wars and Vietnam and all that. Ever since the '80s and '90s, it's been a real good time." - Cobrasnake guy (LA Times Oct 05)

it was actually my friend Stacie who had the vision to drive this guy's words out there on the information superhighway... pretty bracing stuff, you'll agree. for someone who doesn't spend as much time at hot tub parties and lingerie shows as this guy, I'm just gonna have to take his word for all that. "dealing with wars" and stuff sure must be a bummer -- fortunately THAT'S all over with. (I think the last one was "Vietnam".) and if you wanna know what creativity is all about, just check out the guy's pictures...!

I love my friends.

Do the Mummy!

Halloween is upon us, and the Europeans are mad.

Why? What on earth is wrong with Halloween? It's my favorite holiday, but then again, I also love theme parties. The whole dressing up thing is fun, even if I can never, NEVER figure out what to dress up as. I have a bunch of wigs, so I usually slap one of those on and head out for the evening.

And I love carving up pumpkins. LOVE it. One year, I did about 8 of them, all in a cat theme, with a big white pumpkin as the centerpiece. I lived in a neighborhood of old cat ladies and they went batshit. They took pictures of them and asked if I had patterns, and then got all nutty when I said I did it freehand.

I also very much enjoy passing out candy to little (and bigger) kids. I really do. It's fun to make the older kids work for it - and I get a kick out of playing something creepy like Bauhaus or Nick Cave in the background all night and having the occasional parent identify it.

So the Europeans think the Americans are further invading their nations with our witches and candy and jack'o'lanterns and stuff. .. the mayor of Rankweil, a town near the border with Switzerland, has launched a one-man campaign disparaging Halloween as a "bad American habit" and urging families to skip it this year. By midweek, the mayors of eight neighboring villages had thrown their support behind the boycott. So had local police, annoyed with the annual Oct. 31 uptick in vandalism and mischief.

Ah well, that's too bad, but I understand. To each their own. I'm still waiting for the day when I get to Oaxaca or the island of Janitzio for some serious Day of the Dead action.

There's plenty of stuff to do here in LA this weekend, and here are some of the goodies. I wish I could attend them all...

Miss Kitty's Erotic Discoteque & Cabaret presents Halloweekend!

when:	Fri 10.28 & Sat 10.29 (9pm)
where:	Dragonfly (6510 Santa Monica Blvd, Hollywood)
price:	$20 per night

One word of advice this Halloween weekend: Don't get into a drinking contest with a transvestite dressed as Tina Turner — you will lose. This is a lesson many have learned the hard way at Miss Kitty's. This consistently shocking club has enough John Waters-type sass, S&M drama, Mad Max fashion, and burlesque swagger to make you reconsider your sensible life choices. Redoubtable host Miss Kitty leads you through an entire weekend of post-apocalyptic, rockstar-style debauchery, including a Saturday performance by burlesque superstar Dita Von Teese. Bring your nipple clamps, squeeze into your latex, and be prepared to dance and drink whenever Miss Kitty says so.

Hollywood Forever's Day of the Dead

when:	Sat 10.29 (4-11pm)
where:	Hollywood Forever Cemetery (6000 Santa Monica Blvd, 323.469.1181)
price:

The absolute coolest party in Hollywood... hell, they've even got vocalist of the undead Yma Sumac on board to sing as the sun goes down! How wild is that? The event features Jack Skellington look-alikes, tasty treats, Aztec dancers, and mariachis. While you're at it, check out the uber-creepy LifeStory kiosks and don't miss the "Women in Black" — they're self-appointed mourners for Rudolph Valentino.

Gomez & Morticia Addams Groove Up the Burgundy Room!

when: Sat 10.29 (10-2am)
where: The Burgundy Room, Hollywood
price: your immortal soul

Well, it ain't actually the Addams family, just me & my pal Iiad. But we'll be dressed up, and the bar will be in drag as well... as a ghost ship! So expect me to be a dead passenger from the Titanic or something, in a ball gown with blood dripping from me and seaweed in my hair, while spinning the likes of Bloc Party, the Supremes, X, BRMC, Ladytron, Joan Jett, the Descendents, and a whole lot of rock and roll. I guess we should throw in the Cramps, Bauhaus, the Cure, Siouxise, and Electric Frankenstein cuz, it's like, almost Halloween. Duh.

Get carving, you pumpkin killers!

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain

A couple of my friends are currently in New Orleans, finishing up a record and taking stock of what's left. The studio my friend has been using was in the French Quarter, and is ok. My other friend has a home which narrowly escaped the floodwaters (they crept up to his back porch) only to have a tree fall on his roof during Strike Two. And all of their friends are ok, save a few lost homes. They were pretty lucky.

Today, I was sent these pictures, and I'm sharing them with you. Remember, it's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

Neither Fish Nor Fowl

Beware Bodega Bay.

Thu Oct 20, 7:03 AM ET
BODEGA BAY, Calif. - A surfer received a bad gash Wednesday when a 14-foot shark bit her leg in the waters off northern California and pulled her underwater, authorities said. Megan Halavais, 20, was paddling into the water off Salmon Creek Beach in Sonoma County around 11 a.m. when the shark attacked her from behind.

Evidently, there have been a couple snippy sharks in Bodega Bay in the last few years, mistaking those kids in wetsuits for seals. Perhaps.

Bodega Bay is a beautiful part of the Bay Area, just north of San Francisco. It's a small quaint town with an artisic sensibilty, cute shops, outdoorsy things to do and it's really close to all kinds of neat stuff. Oh, and great views from all around.

It's also where Hitchcock filmed The Birds. So if you visit, make sure you pose like you're dead on the steps of the schoolhouse, which still stands. Hell, it all still looks just like the movie.

And if you visit, watch out for the wildlife. Seems the creatures in Bodega can get a bit ornery.

Come On, Get Happy

Before I went to Berlin, my friend who I was flying out to visit said to me, "Oh man, you're going to blow their minds out here."

"What? Why? I'm not all kooky or anything."

"Oh, you will. Trust me."

I suppose I kind of did, but not because I'm a terribly outlandish individual or anything. I'm just different from most Germans. And my father's family is German too, so I've got a little of it in me, but I'm a California girl through and through with a heavy Latina influence and a smattering of glamour just by virtue of living in L.A. (A tiny smattering.)

Here's an example of why someone like me can stick out like a sore thumb there:

Feel-good ads target dour Germany

All you mutterers with knitted brows, listen: It's time to get happy. We're talking $35 million worth of feel-good, throw-your-shoulders-back giddiness. The future is yours, don't despair, things might be in the dumps, but this is the land of Beethoven, Einstein and all those giggling little garden gnomes.

Perk up.

Such is the message trilling through Germany's largest-ever public service campaign. The aim is to lift the country out of its funk with a blitz of inspirational TV messages from famous soccer players, actors, figure skaters and various wild-haired geniuses... This nation seems less in need of platitudes than a collective Prozac. Unemployment is high, consumer confidence is low, the government came together only after weeks of public bickering. Germans have a high quality of life and their country is the world's leading exporter, but they have been unable to shake off a deepening national gloom.

Sooooo... why did I feel like a bit of a circus sideshow at times? Because I DID get attention. Occasionally, little old ladies would walk right up to me and stare at me, puzzled, and walk away. I look kind of exotic, with a healthy SoCal tan, and clothes that were ordinary but not reflective of a bad thrift store circa 1985.

Mostly, it was just me. I talked a bit loudly, but not in a obnoxious way. I'm just a bit animated. And too illustrate that point, I hand gesture like crazy. I hardly saw anyone else there do that at all. Anytime my hand fluttered about, somebody on the train took notice.

But lastly, and most obviously, I laugh. Loud, and often. I have been complimented on my laugh, and I have friends who sometimes call me up just to make me laugh because they like to hear it so much. I know it's not a bad thing. I started, however, to feel self-conscious about it while I was in Berlin, though, because when I would laugh it would startle someone. Not in a bad way, more in a "how curious" way. I tried to tone it down. When I explained to a friend that I was doing that, that I felt I was starting to hold myself back, she said, "Oh no, don't do that.They love it. It's just different for them but it's also fascinating in a way. Don't stop being yourself."

And I couldn't. I kept laughing and gesticulating and yapping like I always do, trying to not feel as aware of the staring. I got used to it by the time I left.

After I had been back in the States a while, I got an interesting email from my friend. He said that recently, he had read a newpapers report based on a random poll which discovered that most Berliners feel there aren't enough interesting people in town to interact with. I met plenty of interesting people while I was in Berlin, so I don't know what they are talking about, but this is a land with a diminishing population, so perhaps they think the fun people have left.

Nah - they're there. Listen for the laughing.

Oh, No...

I was running around work today like a crazy person when I heard my boss' line ringing. Since she'd stepped away, I ran over and grabbed it. "Hello - So & So's office..." And a husky masculine voice on the other line said, "May I speak to her, please? It's Eddie Grant." So I yelled for my boss, who was around the corner. "It's Eddie Grant!"

She said, "Oh, goody!" and started to sing, "We're gonna rock down to - ELECTRIC AVENUE..." as she went back into her office.

I was surprised."It's THAT Eddie Grant?"

"Of course," she replied.

"Wow," I said. "I thought he was dead."

"Oh, that's nice, Mo!"

"No, really, I swear I'd heard that he got killed over drugs or something."

"Oh no, he's not like that at all!" she gushed.

I should tell you that I work in music publishing and we administer Eddie Grant's work. It's not unusual to get calls from well known songwriters. However, I was convinced this guy was dead. I hopped on the internet to find out that not only was he totally alive, but did a hell of a lot more than just that one song. He was in a biracial British ska band called the Equals in the 60's which scored some chart toppers (now that's first wave, kids), he did production for the likes of Prince Buster, had a label in the early 70's promoting reggae, and owned his own recording studio. During this time he had a heart attack which nearly killed him (hmm, maybe that's where I got the idea) not due to a party lifestyle, simply a hectic one. He was well established by the time the 80's hit, having also pioneered soca music and become a political singer, and then he hit on that Killer on the Rampage formula that got him those gold records and stuff.

After that all faded, he had already started a studio in Barbados. He was also mentoring rising soca stars and created ringbang, yet another style of music. He started a music publishing company which mainly consists of old calypso and Carribean artists, and provides their back catalog to a thankful audience.

This does nothing to change the fact that "Electric Avenue" is one of three songs I hate more than anything else in the world. The other two are "Carribean Queen" by Billy Ocean and "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. Really. I hate them all. Very much.

Sorry Eddie.

In Honor of Shopgirls Everywhere

Well, that new Steve Martin movie is coming out soon and I CANNOT wait. Shopgirl. Yay!

Why can I not wait? Because I have been a shopgirl. A long suffering shopgirl. And I love Steve Martin movies. And I love Steve Martin stories. And this particular novella was pretty darned good, I thought, so I'm fine with it as a movie.

So here's something I wrote a while ago, which seems appropriate now.

And it's also a Happy Birthday to Warren, who observed me in some classic shopgirl moments many years ago.

Rantings of an Annoyed Shopgirl

If I were to be elected President of the United States, I would institute a law that would make it mandatory for every citizen of our fair capitalist nation to work, for at least one year, at a customer service job. Retail, food, information, gift wrapping, whatever. Everyone should do it. I guarantee that had Bush done this while he was babbling about points of light, we may actually have seen a kinder and gentler nation.

Perhaps you think I’m kidding. Well then, you obviously have never worked a customer service job. These types of jobs are necessary and tedious, mildly entertaining and extremely convenient for the consumer. In these times of financial prosperity, people are starting to realize the importance of having folks employed in these jobs. Have you ever waited a bit too long for a refill of coffee because there was only one waitress serving the entire room? Wanted to try on shoes only to wait 20 minutes for a salesperson to appear? Tried to lodge a complaint against your landlord but there was only one person handling the desk and thousands of complaints to be filed… oops – that’s just Oakland politics. Anyway, many have experienced the frustration of people leaving these types of jobs. And why should they stay? Customer service jobs suck.

If you are the kind of person that would get angry in any of the scenarios described above; you have most likely never worked in a job serving the public. Because if you had, you would understand the strain those few workers are under. Having worked back and forth in the retail world for more than half of my life, I think I’ve seen quite a bit. There’s the regular stuff like customers treating you like you haven’t a thought in your head, to the more exotic like having a guy slap his dick onto the counter. Needless to say, the establishment I worked at did not take Penis as payment.

First of all, THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. They usually do not know the policies of the store (because they haven’t read the information on a plaque on the wall next to them). They think their platinum card places them above such pedestrian things. Just because they had to reach two feet above their head for a handblown glass vase, which broke when they failed to grasp it, doesn’t make it their responsibility to pay for the item, does it? I mean, the shop put it up so high… And if you ask to look at “that,” it would help if you actually told us what “that” was. A blanket? A stereo? Your lack of common sense?

I am amazed when I see men order 110 LB girls to carry a couch to the SUV. I have witnessed professors screaming at counter help to “WRAP FASTER,” as if intimidation is actually key to the whole process. And I have seen women buy a $2 item and then ask for boxes, ribbons and bags to go along with it, complimentary of course. I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask, but no need to get pissy if we say no. And please, most of us girls aren’t really there for you lonely guy types to ask out. Sorry to be harsh, but we’re required to be nice to you.

Try to imagine what it is like to spend 8 hours a day on your feet with people treating you like an idiot. Then remember that you need those people behind the counter as much as they most likely need that job, so be kind. The girl showing you earrings could be your brain surgeon ten years from now, and you might be purchasing that waiter’s best selling novel, the one he’s writing while paying his rent by mixing your salad, as a Christmas present in 2008.

Taa-Daaaaaa!

Um, I forgot about my alphabet thing. You know, how I'm going through the alphabet musically? Well, I went to Berlin and completely forgot about it.

I believe I've left you hanging at the letter T.

Martina Topley-Bird.

You may know her best as the vocalist on the Tricky albums, but she put out a really beautiful album all by herself back in 2003. Well, with a little help from her friends.

In August of 2003, I was lying on the floor in Greg Dulli's living room, drinking Maker's in the middle of the day and playing with his (dearly departed - RIP, Clyde)cat. He had some movie on (ah hell, it was probably porn) but he was really dorking out over music. He'd been playing DJ for hours. I was kinda of contributing to the conversation, but mostly these sort of afternoons were more about Greg being really jazzed on something he'd just found or just heard and he really wanted you to be equally as jazzed. This particular afternoon, he finally got the "OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS" reaction out of me that he hadn't gotten so far.

"Okay Mo, you're really gonna love this," he said, picking up a CD off the cluttered coffee table while I said, "Uh, huh... yea" and kept on scratching Clyde. He cranked up the stereo, and a crackled bluesy old man voice echoed out... "Too tough to die!" And then a really deep groovy bass kicked in, and a woman's cackly soulful not-quite Billie Holliday voice kicked in: "I always wonder why my mama left town..."

I was no longer lying on the floor. "Dude, what is this?" Greg sat there nodding and grinning like a Chesire cat. I listened a bit more and couldn't believe how great it was... "Is this the Tricky chick? What's her name? Marina?" "Martina," Greg said, exhaling cigarette smoke and looking very pleased that I was pretty much losing it over the one song. "Yea, my band's gonna cover this song." "How?" I said. I genuinely could not see how he could possibly cover this song... it was just so... hers.

I checked out the liner notes to find that this CD, Martina Topley-Bird's Quixotic, had been released only a month or so before in England. Greg had a copy because his friend Mark Lanegan (and current collaborator on a project called the Gutter Twins) made an appearance on the CD, along with Queen of the Stone Age's Josh Homme, on the second track "Need One." The track I was currently going ga-ga over, "Too Tough To Die," was a bluesy rocker co-written and produced by David Holmes, a sort of cinematic dark hop artist of the late 90's who has gotten regular work scoring Steven Soderberg films (like Ocean's Eleven) and more recently tripping the DJ lights fantastic with sixties style blue eyed soul electro remixes.

So after that track, Greg goes, "Okay - you've gotta hear this one." He skips to a tune called "Lying" which puts Martina's voice back in the familiar context of the Tricky songs I was accustomed to hearing (and most people reading this have at least heard "Makes Me Wanna Die" from Pre-Millenium Tension). It was a pretty, contemplative number with somber beats and her breathy yet earthy voice, and words like this: "I walked out of the house in your girlfriend's clothes... They fit me better than I would have supposed..."

"Man!" Greg said. "I wish I'd come up with that. Isn't that fucking excellent?"

We listened to the whole CD, many times over, for the next couple months. I was too broke to buy the import, but he'd burned me a copy anyway and finally I saved my pennies and got one. In the meantime, I'd been turning other friends on to it. It made my Top Ten list of last year. Then the album was released in the States under the title Anything, and the cover is now a bit sexed up. A few of the songs have been dropped too, including "Lying"(so buy the import anyway).

Oh, and Greg did cover the song on his last covers CD. I like Martina's better, though. Sorry, dude!